Use the Right Goddamn Word

We live in the age of autocorrect, the whorespawn successor to predictive text. Now, if that’s not already bestowing upon us superpowers for translating flagrant typos on the fly– take into account how much modern English relies upon acronyms and other referential fuckery. Such convolution. So confuse.

With every advancing generation, our interpretive reading skills jump. We often do, in fact, get what everyone’s saying… in spite of all desire to claim otherwise. On top of that, doesn’t the spoken word also tend to ignore spelling, homonym misuse, and punctuation?

Yeah, I have no idea.

Technically, we’re here to serve you.

It should be small wonder why all of our various newsfeeds are a bleak reminder that the corpse of the English Language is rotting before our eyes. But wait, wasn’t I just extolling the wonders of our growing ability to decipher what would be considered gibberish 30 years ago? There’s a difference between throwing out an OMG in a status, a LOL when you don’t feel like giving a fuck about a conversation, or a 22-eggplant wherever– …and looking like a fool. By the way, while we’re on the topic, I absolutely need to stop at the emoji.

One, emojis are useful, cute, and pack a metric fuckton of meaning in the convenience of a single object. I think they absolutely have a part in modern communication. That said, I need to argue with the better paid, better credentialed, and better educated people over at Oxford. 

I’m sorry. No. An emoji is a fucking pictograph. By itself without context, it has no meaning. It’s not even a hieroglyph. A word intrinsically has a definition, a meaning, and a usage. An emoji derives its meaning from the words around it. I see what you were doing, and I can understand that the idea is to stay current with communication trends. That said, have some fucking standards. I mean for the love of Alcohol, I am envisioning those responsible for this affront to words are the same sort of pretentious grundle fungus that curls their nose when someone’s noise hole shits cockney in the street. This is why I will only use Merriam Webster for link references of the non Urban variety.

Sure, a word’s usage may change wildly based on referential context, take “fuck” for example. That said, the word as it stands alone has a definition. An emoji? Sorry. You’re trying to give me fucking sherbet and the label on the container clearly says ice cream. They are not the same goddamn thing.

So where was I before I decided to sidebar? Oh yes, the putrefying corpse of the English Language as viewed online. We, as humans, are creatures of habit. If you’re one of those irritating folks who routinely flubs there/their/they’re, to/two/too, your/you’re, etc. just because we all know you meant, that’s a habit. Start doing it regularly (because hey, we all know what you meant, right?) and the next thing you know– you’ll be doing that in work emails, job applications, and places where proper usage matters. It doesn’t matter if the poor soul reading your mismatched letters can piece together what you meant. If you come across as an uneducated moron, you will be treated as such– even if not to your face.

It’s called standards. We have them for a reason, and people making decisions don’t just give a damn about what you meant. If you can’t be bothered to learn and observe some basic, longstanding standards of written communication– you’re the one that looks like their IQ test came back negative.  So seriously, make the effort to use the right goddamn word, because you will be the one to benefit from it.

While we’re at it, spellchecker is a thing, and a useful one at that. If what you’re tapping out has a lot of red lines underneath it, that’s not a sign that your written abortion is pure fire. Using spell check doesn’t cost anything, and there’s no way for anyone to know you ever used it. They will notice if you didn’t.

So yeah. Usage and standards! Sometimes stepping up your game is as simple as realizing that “Grammar Nazis” are doing you a favor, and you may want to appreciate it. We’re the kind of people that can help you get hired.

Unplug.

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