The Art of the Smackdown (Edition 1)

I’ve spent several entries going over some basic tenets of getting a point across. What if your sole intent is to tell someone how many offs they should fuck– and how they should perform the act? I did promise a few random entries for upping your roast game… and believe you me, some of the atrocities I’ve unleashed should be banned by the Geneva Accords.

AdHominem

… because fuck you.

Yes, we’re on the offensive today. At one time, simple vulgarity was plenty to insult someone to a state of blessed silence. Now, a simple F-bomb is fucking child’s play. If you march into a war of words with but a few choice profanities as your armament, you’ve brought butter knife to a howitzer fight. There are three basic principles behind a devastating diatribe.

  1. Make it memorable.
  2. Cut them deep.
  3. Make everyone else laugh.

If you are going to walk down the scorched path towards roasting someone, make sure they never forget who the fuck you are. This is easier to illustrate than it is to explain, so take the following pairs into consideration. Each pair has the same basic premise and intent. One is basic, the other sublime.

  • Eat shit and die, asshole.
  • Go chug a bottle of fucking Drano and finish what your mom’s coat hanger missed.
  • You’re pathetic.
  • Fucktards like you shouldn’t reproduce, and if you did– I demand an apology on behalf of the gene pool.
  • Fuck off, gold digger!
  • You’re the kind of shitbag who’d suck dick for cab fare and walk home.
  • Shut the fuck up!
  • If I wanted any shit from you, I’d yank the buttplug out of your mouth and squeeze your head.

Take some time to think about the target, and hit them from an angle they didn’t see coming. Blindside them with creative malice. That malodorous sack of genetic party favors on the receiving end will expect average assholery– so suckerpunch them in the think jelly. Some of the worst insults are effective because the victim has to think about it first. They need to put in effort just to find the middle finger– and that is every bit as unforgettable as a steel toed jackboot to the nards.

punchovertheinternet

Pay attention; you’ll learn how.

So, we’ve covered my first basic rule of hurling ad hominem assaults. Second rule, cut them to the core. On the rare occasion where ignoring a misguided shitpost-machine just will not do, don’t pick a fight. Slaughter them from moment one. It’s not a matter of who starts it– it’s who ended it by causing a Fukushima-grade meltdown.

Two things to keep in mind, because this can be tricky to execute properly:

  1. Choose your wording with extreme care.
  2. Mind the witnesses.

Yes, these are intertwined. You are out to devastate, and the way to do that is to make them hurt. If you know your intended recipient, start throwing low blows like Johnny fucking Cage. If all you know is based on the written abortion on your screen, this is where the tricky part comes into play. F-bombs are fun, sure, but nobody gives a flying fuck about them being offensive. I shouldn’t have to say this, but racial/ethnic/sexist/phobic/etc. insults are out of bounds. They do not serve your purpose (quite the opposite)– end of story. If you can’t keep those terms out of your vocabulary, find the nearest fire and die in it.

In the case of a random online encounter, creep the fucker. You’ll have to think like a P.I. to find out what hurts them most. Sometimes it’s as easy as destroying them based on their inability to use a fucking spellcheck. Grammar Nazi tactics are effortless, and are usually enough to berate a fool into silence.

In person? Well shit, play off what they’re saying. If your wit lacks alacrity, just shut your noise hole and get someone else do the dirty work for you. Witnesses can be your worst fucking enemy when hurling insults, because you never know who may jump into the fray. There will always be a bigger assjack out there, and you do not want to give them reason to prolong the fight by joining the opposition.

tacohuman

No comebacks. No replies. Just STFU.

Last up, make others laugh. Very few wars of words come without witnesses. A major impact factor of an insult is derived from the reactions of third parties. Like yours truly, some people appreciate unabashed brutality, and there are instances where a sledgehammer is called for. More often than not, if your delivery is entertaining on a broad scale– it is far more effective in shutting up the half-cocked fucknugget on the receiving end. You can obliterate a person’s psyche by cutting them deep, sure, but when it’s coupled with the secondary impact of everyone laughing at their expense… your victory is all but assured.

These things said, I’d be irresponsible if I didn’t close with this: an ad hominem attack is not an advisable course of action. If you’re adamant about taking that route, just remember that like nuclear warfare… there will be fallout. It doesn’t matter if you care about it, it is inevitable and can occur in unforeseen ways. Do you really want to deal with that shit?

Unplug.

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